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If you had asked me this when I moved in with my boyfriend (now ex) who had children, I would’ve laughed. It would’ve seemed like a joke – a play on the many fairy tales we all heard as children. Of course, I never expected for it to be a smooth ride. My parents divorced when I was young, so I had no illusions. Yet, I still didn’t have a clue. Most step moms don’t (step dads too).

I could probably write a book titled My Road to Becoming a Wicked StepMother. It would be easier than trying to explain in 1 blog entry how it happened. Yes, that’s right. I was a Wicked StepMother (tongue-in-cheek). I hear the shock and awe coming from those who know me (my friends, family, past clients, colleagues, etc). They can’t possibly believe that I’m really wicked, or that anybody would really believe that. The students I tutored would be surprised as well. I get a long with everybody… well, almost everybody.

Interestingly, I just came by this realization yesterday. As many problems as I had as an acting stepmom (we were never married), I didn’t think of myself in that way. I didn’t even think they thought of me that way… until my ex’s daughter posted comments about me on my FB Fan page a few days ago. They were lies, but that’s not the point. In her mind, I was the worst thing for her dad. So much so that she made it her mission to try and break us up. That’s why she started the lies in the first place. That was many years ago, so I was surprised that she’s still holding on to her anger toward me.

Did she always feel that way? No. I’m sure she didn’t feel that way when she declared that I would be the only one allowed to teach her to drive a car. That was after both of her parents had given up. I’m sure she didn’t feel that way when I helped her with all the admission paperwork to get into college. I even drove her around to pick up and drop off her transcripts and get her ID picture taken. I’m sure she didn’t feel that way when I helped her and her sister with their financial aid paperwork, or when I gave her sister $250 for prom when nobody else had any to give her. These are only the highlights. There were other things.

So what happened? What changed? It’s hard to point out one thing because everything that happened played into everything else. Every one thing affected at least 2 other things. For one, her dad and I argued a lot. We were brought up differently and had different perspectives on many things, but especially parenting. Additionally, he parented like a Holiday parent. We also argued about money and how to handle just about any problem that came up. I mention a few of them in other entries. We broke up and got back together multiple times. We were never able to resolve the conflict, so the tension mounted and mounted. By the end, it was constant. Somewhere in that mess was a changing point in his daughter.

I don’t claim to be perfect. I never have. I definitely made mistakes. I made mistakes mostly out of good intentions. I made the wrong decision on at least 1 occasion. On all occasions, I needed objective and knowledgeable guidance from somebody who understood stepfamily dynamics and could see the bigger picture, and then give clear direction. I didn’t have that. My boyfriend needed the same thing. You do, too, if you’re in a high-conflict step family.Otherwise, you may find yourself to be perceived as a wicked stepmother someday.

It’s important to note that your husband plays a big role in how his children perceive you. I talk a lot about this. In my case, my boyfriend didn’t perceive my parenting skills to be very good. By continually undermining me in front of them, not keeping rules after making them, and staying silent when they expressed their discontent, he gave the impression that he was displeased with me. That gave them more reason to continue misbehaving, and then using me as a scapegoat.

As sad as it is that she feels that way about me, I can’t bring myself to hold it against her. Don’t get me wrong; it bothers me. It hurts my feelings, but I’m not angry at her. Here’s the deal. I hated my dad’s girlfriend. For a very long time, I hated her. In my mind, everything that happened was her fault, even though I know my dad was no angel. Only after my experience as an acting step mom did I re-evaluate my feelings toward her. Stay tuned for my next article on why my step children hates me.

Adults do not discuss adult business with their children. Sure, some do. But mostly they don’t, especially the really private stuff. My ex’s daughter doesn’t know everything that transpired between her dad and I. Even if she did, she wouldn’t be able to objectively acknowledge her dad’s mistakes, just as I didn’t know my dad’s mistakes.

If you’re interested in more topics like this, click the links below to read a blog entry from my other blog (not imported to here) and an article I wrote on Examiner. Clicking on them will open a new window.

One Thanksgiving in a High-Conflict Step family

Transform from Evil Step Mom into a Positive Role Model

Why do my step kids hate me?

Maybe you can relate to part of this story.

How did you feel about people your parents dated after they divorced?

Were you able to be objective?

Have you ever disliked somebody intensely, and then a long time later realize there was no rational basis for your feelings?

Is there a lot of conflict between you and your partner? Do you disagree on parenting issues?

Do you think you could become a wicked stepmother?

Do you know of somebody who has a wicked stepmother? Did you have an evil stepmother?

Below is the original post on my 1st blog site, which was published in Nov 2010. I’m re-posting it here, with a few edits in order to improve the flow and readability of it. One big difference is that I replaced “biomom” and “BM” to either “mom” or “the kids’ mom”.

It had a lot of views and purportedly helped some stepmoms. How many? I don’t know, but even helping one makes it worth publishing again. All of the tips are the same, so none of it’s essence has been changed.

These strategies helped me immensely. I put it in outline format in order to make it easier and quicker to read. It is in response to the plethora of outcry I hear from StepMoms about a BM who is tough to deal with.

1) Distinguish what you can and can’t control.  This is where your power is. You can’t control what other people say or do. You can’t even predict it. But, in every situation, YOU have a choice in how you react. Do determine how to proceed, ask yourself the following questions:

• Can I control any part of this?
• What is my part? (i.e. How am I contributing to this?
• What other options do I have, that are in my control?
• What can I do differently?
• Will my partner help me with this?  (This is your other source of power that can make a big difference.)

2) Change the story. It takes time and effort to alter our emotional reaction, but it’s worth it! Once we change how we think about something, our behavior towards it changes. The people around us will likely change as they will react differently.

Monitor your thoughts. Replace negative thoughts with neutral thoughts. Every time you get upset while thinking of something the kids’ mom said or did, stop and tell yourself the following:

• She can’t help how she feels and may not be conscious of this obsessive behavior.
• I feel sorry for her that she cannot get past the divorce/separation and move on.
• I’m glad I’m not that insecure.
• How sad that she is not at inner peace and chooses to be spiteful! I choose to not react in kind. I will not bring myself down to that level of behavior.
• I don’t want to give her power over me. I can get past this regardless of what she does.

3) Release and let go. Your feelings are valid. You may want to hold onto your anger or pain because she truly has mal-intentions. However, YOUR INNER PEACE should be your TOP PRIORITY! Anger or resentment stands in your way of inner peace and your ability to be the best YOU, because you can’t give your all.

Vent if you need to. Preferably, choose somebody who understands and has been in a similar situation, but who won’t fuel your anger.

Develop strategies to relax, such as:

• Hot bath
• Yoga, kick boxing, running, or other physical fitness
• Any hobby or pastime – something that reminds you of who you are so you won’t lose a sense of yourself while wearing the different hats (Mom, StepMom, Wife/SO, career woman, etc)

4) Become numb and unemotional when defending accusations and lies from the kids’ mom. Defend yourself calmly, whether to your step kids or your partner.

No long explanation is required. You shouldn’t have to feel the “need to defend” yourself, especially to the step kids. They don’t need to know adult business. Leave it to your partner to defend you more if necessary. If your partner is concerned about what was said or believes any portion of it, you’re probably experiencing other problems in your relationship.

The following are a few examples of replies that are short, to the point, and can easily exclude emotion (depending on your tone of voice and delivery).

1. “I didn’t say that. That is inaccurate.”
2. “She is obviously confused or she misunderstood.” 
   • Even if you know her intentions are malicious and fallacious, give her the benefit of the doubt, especially to the children.
   • You may feel that this is a lie, but it’s probably accurate. So, you shouldn’t feel guilty as it will have neutral to positive repercussions.
3. “She is entitled to her opinion. It’s up to you to make up your own mind and form your own opinion.”

 

• This will work in your favor, especially if DH has a similar conversation with the kids and defends you.
• Get used to others, including the kids, forming their own opinions. They will whether you say it out loud or not.

The less emotions you show about BM, the bigger the reward. Eventually the kids will figure out the truth. That may be a sad day for their mom. They will probably forgive her, though, because she is their mom. The biological bond is that strong. In the meantime, you keep your sanity, are more productive, and can give 110% again when wearing the different hats.

 

There are many possible reasons children misbehave. This entry will look at one in particular.

Plain and simple, they may be angry at life because their family divorced. They may not even be aware of it. Most kids have not developed emotionally enough to know what they’re feeling inside. Maybe they know what they’re feeling, but don’t know why.

Symptoms include behavior problems, anger issues, excessive fighting, lower grades, and difficulty forming healthy relationships. By the latter, I mean friends at school. Excessive shyness or being introverted, especially if not characteristic of the child, would also make it difficult to make new friends.

These are signs of incomplete grief. Grieving doesn’t just occur when a parent dies. All divorcees, even children whose family gets a divorce, mourn the loss of their family. Everything changes. Nothing is the way they knew it to be – the way they were comfortable with it.

I was an angry child after my parents divorce.

I experienced this first-hand after my parents divorced. In the years following, I was a very angry child. Ironically, I didn’t know I was. I had no idea why I had an urge to fight with my sisters all the time. I just did. By fight, I don’t just mean argue. We were rolling around the floor, pulling hair, kicking, and what-have-you. My mom bought me books I never read and made me see the child counselor at school, which didn’t help. Sure, eventually I got over it. But remained was my resentment that she didn’t understand me. I resented being singled out as the one with the problems. As I matured, I stopped picking fights and arguing. It wasn’t until my formal education that I finally understood what was really going on with me. Only then did I work through my personal issues.

Now, I realize I was angry about the loss of life as I knew it. I was angry that I had to change schools. I didn’t make new friends right away. I just didn’t feel like getting to know anybody new. I missed my friends.

More than anything, though, I wish my mom (and dad for that matter) understood the stages of grieving. I wish they knew how to support me through what I was going through instead of making me like there was something wrong with me.

I tell you this story because you can probably relate in some way. Whether you went through a divorce as a child or are a parent watching your children experience divorce.

There are different ways of modifying children’s behavior. Many can be effective. By no means am I suggesting you allow your kids or stepkids to misbehave without correction. If they are acting the wrong way, they need to be held accountable in some way. They need to learn the right way to act, but they also need to understand their emotions. You, as a parent or step parent, can help them manage their emotions.

Understanding the process of grieving is a big first step. Read up on it. At its core essence, coping with death is the same as coping with a new life after divorce. Remember that when choosing information to read. My favorite author on grieving is Elizabether Kubler-Ross. My favorite author on dealing with loss in a stepfamily is Gloria Lintermans.

The Secrets of Stepfamily Success, by Gloria Lintermans, discusses the full process of grief in both adults and children. She explains the need to grieve both tangible and intangible losses, gives examples, and lists signs of incomplete grief. I highly recommend reading her book, especially if you are a separated or divorced parent and are considering forming a relationship with a new partner.

So if your stepkids seem to be particularly angry, it’s very possible that you (together with your partner of course) can help them and manage their misbehavior just by helping them transition through the stages of grieving. That will allow them to accept their new circumstances and all the wonderful possibilities their future can hold. You may even be surprised by their new confidence, friends, and higher grades at school.

Happy reading!

Good luck!

Remember, if you have to discipline your kids (or stepkids) when you suspect they’re experiencing incomplete grieving, be sure to also let them know they’re normal and it doesn’t make them bad. Let them know how you’ve had to adjust too. That could help a great deal.