Judy the Stepfamily Coach of Sensible Steps

Category: Personal

  • Update for Stepfamily Coach

    Please check out my new website, judygraybill.com, for up-to-date information and tools to help you along your stepfamily journey.

    Note: I, Judy, am publishing new blog posts at judygraybill.com/blog. That’s my hub for all of my products and services going forward. This current blog/ site is merely being maintained rather than updated.

    Check out my (really) old blogs at sensiblesteps.blogspot.com.

    Early in my career, I published a small handful of articles on EzineArticles, and established my “expert” status. Here’s the link, if you’re interested: Ezine Articles/expert/Judy Graybill.

    My Resource Page, here on StepfamilyCoach.com, on the other hand, is current as of Apr 12, 2022 (the publish date of this post), as I just now updated it. I removed resources no longer available and broken links. I even added a few new ones that I think you’ll like.

  • Love, Betrayal, and Forgiveness

    The other day, I shared some thoughts on my story. This entry is similar. Instead of random thoughts, though, I’m sharing deep feelings.

    There were times that I doubted he loved me. On many occasions, I told him that no self-respecting woman would purposely put herself through what I did. I know many stepmoms can relate to that. As I said yesterday, I had specific reasons for staying. But that didn’t make the day-to-day any easier.

    I could tell he wasn’t happy. I felt that his ex was taking advantage of him, as well as others. You see, he was a ‘yes guy’. He wanted to make everybody happy. He agreed to, or just went along with, whatever. His intentions were good and that’s why it was hard to stay mad at him.  The problem was that he couldn’t make everybody happy. You know the saying, don’t you?

    You can make some of the people happy all of the time. You can make all of the people happy some of the time. But you can’t make all the people happy all the time.

    I thought he needed another person to be on his side and help him. I thought they were being selfish – that they were so stuck in their own feelings and not bothering to ask him what he wanted. On more than one occasion, I asked him what he wanted – what he REALLY wanted. Whatever it was, I was going to help him get it. I believe he loved me for that – that intention. I didn’t get an answer though. I came to realize that he didn’t know what he wanted. That’s exactly why he didn’t get it.

    People in my corner give him a bad rap because of how badly I was hurt. This is human nature – to identify with those we’re close to. Similarly, people in his corner think I’m the terrible person. I choose to see the bigger picture. I won’t let people talk bad about him in my presence.

    I know he was hurting too. Six months after we broke up, he told me he was suffering from a broken heart. The following is an e-mail I got from him about 8 months into our trial separation. We had plans to move in together again.

    When I met you I was lost. Parts of me where going left Right straight back up and down. You gave me something no other could or can. You helped me grab all the parts and focus on getting them all going in the same direction. This was not an easy job! You supported me yet made me think. You challenged me without intimidation. YOU made me feel good of myself as before that I did not want to feel at all. You had to do nothing yet did everything. Now I can’t stop feeling. Feeling for YOU. I love you with all my heart and soul. I can not do enough to thank you for your love support and guidance. I just wanted you to know. And as time goes on my love for you continues to grow stronger. I wish that there was a word stronger than the word love so I could use it in reference to how I truly feel about you.

    Have a great day and remember that even thou I am not with you physically that you are in my mind and heart all the time.

    His sincerity is one of the main reasons I fell back in love with him so many times. And when it was just the 2 of us, we had a great time. We didn’t need to go on a date night to have a good time. That’s right. We enjoyed just hanging out around the house together. Even after I made the decision to leave, a street vendor called us Honeymooners. We looked that happy together!

    The final straw behind me leaving had less to do with stepfamily dynamics and more to do with our relationship. You see, I felt betrayed by him. I felt betrayed for:

    • every lie he ever told
    • making promises that he wouldn’t (or couldn’t) keep, like legally divorcing his wife
    • everything he agreed to do or not do, and didn’t follow through on
    • believing, even for 1 minute, any lie perpetrated by others
    • not believing in my good intentions when we disagreed with how to parent

    In spite of all that, I forgave him completely, for a few other things as well. It was much easier to forgive him than many others who didn’t necessarily have good intentions, like he did. I knew he was in a difficult position – being torn between his kids and me. Torn loyalty is a common stepfamily dynamic for both kids (between their mom and stepmom) and parents (between their partner and kids). I suspect he felt like he was in a lose-lose situation. If so, what’s the point of doing anything?

    I wish he would have shared his feelings with me. But he didn’t, so this is partly a guess. It’s based on what I’ve learned about human nature, stepfamily dynamics, and other psycho-emotional subject matter. Jonathan Aslay (expert on understanding men) says that men like to make their women happy. No wonder my ex was so unhappy!

    Yes, we all know that nobody can truly make another person happy. We do, however, contribute positively or negatively toward other people’s happiness. That’s why it’s important to understand how we affect others around us. This is especially poignant in a stepfamily. This is also why it’s important to be in a supportive environment, which I wasn’t.

    I also forgave everybody else – those who told lies about me, who perpetrated the lies, eavesdropped on me, stole from me, went through all of my personal stuff looking for dirt on me. Finally, I forgave others who I thought was a true friend, but then stabbed me in the back.

    It was an arduous process to understand and forgive. “Why me?” I wondered. I didn’t think I was a ‘victim’, because I chose to stay. I wondered why it happened in the first place. I believed that what goes around, comes around. I wasn’t a saint. (Nobody is.) But, I always did my best to do right by people – everybody. Sure, I made mistakes, but who hasn’t? Why would mistakes with good intentions get these kind of results?

    I picked apart my experience with a fine-toothed comb. I wanted more than just answers. I wanted to be happy again. So, I made the decision to. In my quest, I discovered my spirituality. After 10+ years of being a true agnostic, I found my faith in God. Saying it still sounds crazy to me, but that’s what happened. The more answers I found, the more questions I had. No, I never quite figured out why it all happened to me. Instead, I found a way to accept that it happened w/o being bothered by it. I found a way to forgive. That’s how I live my life now – with peace of mind. 

    I never regretted staying as long as I did and not leaving sooner. But every day since, I thank the Universe (God) that I’m no longer there and that I have my sanity – true peace of mind. It’s the biggest blessing life has given me.

     

  • Thoughts about My Story

    Writing and telling my story has been the toughest thing I’ve had to do for (and in) my business. At least a dozen times I’ve written, rewritten, and rewritten it. I’ve been asked often. It’s hard to know where to begin. Not to mention telling it in only a few minutes when I could go on for hours. Also, I could never bring myself to share much of it. Each and every person I told could see me choking up as I relayed parts of it. I’m sure they were thinking Holy cow! Why is it so hard for her? What could have happened that is so terrible? Or maybe they just thought I’m melodramatic (lol).

    Repeatedly, Business Coaches and other advisers have told me I need to share more personal details, even the “painful” stuff. They assure me that it will help somebody somewhere. If I went through it, the chances are that somebody else did too. So that’s why I deleted My Story from my page a couple days ago. Updating it has been on my plan for this year. The time has come to do it. Version 4 (at least) will be forthcoming soon.

    Here’s why it’s been so tough (in no particular order):

    1. There’s no way to cram 4.5 years into 1 page. We had daily problems the 2.5 years we lived together. It was an active few years for sure.
    2. I don’t want to make anybody look bad. I didn’t (don’t) want to say anything that sounds bad about anybody – not my ex, his kids’ mother, his kids, or me. I don’t want to out them w/o also stating what I did wrong. At the same time, there’s no way to tell my story w/o somebody, or all of us, looking bad.
    3. I thought it made the most sense to stick with only the stepfamily issues – the common stuff that most step families face.
      1. Stepfamily dynamics are so pervasive in everything else, though, that it’s difficult to separate the two.
      2. If what happened in my stepfamily is not common, how could it help others? If it’s not going to help somebody, what’s the point of sharing all the crap that happened? I‘ve always been the type of person who puts the past behind me and looks forward.
    4. I forgot a lot! Crazy, right? ‘How can I forget?’ you ask. I guess I did that good of a job releasing it and healing from it. I remembered the essence of how I felt, the big issues, and the many lessons, but forgot much of the day to day stuff. I recently had a memory jolt so I’m going to make another attempt.
    5. Last, but not least, parts of it are simply too painful to want to share.

     

    What was so painful? That’s the next logical question. Note, I’m not saying the events were tragic, but just that they’re painful to relay. It’s painful just to say that I felt betrayed by somebody I loved so deeply. I’m not the first to feel betrayed by somebody they loved, but that doesn’t make it less painful. It’s painful to acknowledge that my ex’s daughter made it her mission (yes, her mission) to break us up. She exaggerated truths, fabricated on details, and made up stories on anything she found or heard on me. She conspired with the neighbor to eavesdrop of my conversations with others. Once, she and her mom went through my personal things trying to dig up dirt on me. I felt more violated by that one act than anything else. There were other things, too, but those are two most painful things.

    I don’t want to scare anybody entering into a stepfamily. That’s another reason I didn’t necessarily want to share all of my story. I’ve not talked to any step parent personally whose step kids tried to break them up. I have heard of other cases of it happening, but I think it’s a small percentage. Or maybe, just maybe, they are just as uncomfortable as I am to talk about it.

    Dr. Kay Pasley’s research indicates that a large number of stepfamilies deal with mental health concerns and other dysfunctions. That tells me that many of the issues I faced are not unheard of. So, I’m going to update my story and share some of the really personal details, the best I can, of which some are not necessarily considered stepfamily dynamics.

    My intention in sharing my story is to give a voice to the people in stepfamilies who are experiencing a lot of conflict and challenges – stepmoms, stepdads, stepchildren, moms, dads, siblings, and anybody else. I’m going to share lessons I learned – about stepfamily dynamics, love and loss, betrayal and forgiveness. My intention is to give hope and inspiration to anybody going through a challenging (high conflict) stepfamily experience. May you learn from my experiences and implement something new to improve your situation.

    Depending on when you read this, my story may or may not be shared on the respective web page with that title. Whether it is or isn’t, remember the following:

    • There are 2 sides to every story. This is my story the way I see it. I try to be as objective as possible. But, in the end, it’s still my version. Jeannette Lofas of The Stepfamily Foundation refers to this as “My Reality, Your Reality”.
    • It’s not the whole story. It will never be the whole story by nature of time and space. Truly, this story would make a great made-for-tv movie as it has all the elements. And it’s certainly filled with enough events, both good and bad.
    • The psychology of stepfamily dynamics underlie everything else, even if it’s not obvious.
    • My Story is NOT your story! Just because this is what happened to me doesn’t me it will happen to you. It DOES mean that you, too, can get past this challenging time, if you’re going through one. If I changed the story, so can you.
    •  20% of stepchildren feel close to their stepmother. Some may be discouraged by this %, but it’s encouraging for me. With the many new resources that are emerging regularly, along with the growing awareness, I anticipate this % increasing significantly over the next decade and beyond. (I for one would welcome being a stepmom again because I don’t for a second think that THIS story will happen to me again.)


    If you’re interested in learning more of my story, you can read bits and pieces of it from various blog entries here and on my previous blog, which you can access by clicking here.

     

  • Life Lesson in 1st Grade by my Dad

    Today, I’m going to share a story from my past that has a valuable lesson attached. At the time of the story, and for years afterward, I had no idea of the impact it would have. In fact, it was only in the last several years, as I took a personal inventory to learn more about myself, did I recall this story. Although it was in my archives, and a little dusty, I remember it well.

    Honoring Dad

    First, I want to say a few words about my dad. Dad didn’t have the kind of life most people would envy. In his lifetime, he shared many stories. He was a wonderful story-teller (unlike me). He was always very animated and enthralled. He really engaged his listeners, and almost always got them to laugh. The other side of his life, though, was infused with heartache and failure. He had 2 failed marriages and a disgraceful end of a 3rd long-term relationship. However, he was a smart and successful businessman. At the top of his game, he owned 2 thriving motels. Later, after my parents divorced, he co-owned a successful bar/niteclub. Unfortunate circumstances caused him to lose all of it. Even more unfortunately, he never recovered any of it at the time he passed away. So, he’s not what most people would call a success story. I won’t go into any specifics here, because that’s not my intention today.

    My intention in telling you that is so that you can appreciate the following story in a different way. You see, even though his life didn’t end as a success by conventional means, he taught me more than I am able to express. I’m still learning from his life, both his successes and his failures, 17 years after he died. The story below is one of the lessons I cherish most because it paved the way for many of my successes.

    Dad’s Loving and Helpful Hand

    1978. St. Clairsville, Oh. Friday night. The school transformed the gym into a roller-skating rink and Dad took my older sisters and I. We got there and rented skates, but there’s only 1 problem. I didn’t know how to roller skate because I’ve never done it before. No, actually it’s not a problem because Dad helped me. He held my hand so I wouldn’t fall and walked around the rink with me. We were going at a snail’s pace, mind you, but that never bothered Dad. He was just happy to spend time with  his princess and help her. Actually, he probably just felt he was doing his job. He loved being a father. He would do anything for us.

    Gradually, I got faster, and faster, and faster. Before long, I was skating faster than Dad could walk. So, off I went by myself. Lesson #1: A helping hand helps us thrive faster than we would on our own. Let’s face it. If Dad hadn’t of held my hand and walked around with me, I may have been able to still get the hang of it. But, it would’ve taken a lot longer to balance and become skilled. And I would’ve fallen a lot! (Ouch)

    Now I was loving life. All I wanted to do was skate. EVERY song that was played. Then came another problem: couple’s skate. What? I wasn’t a couple. I didn’t have somebody to skate with. But, Dad had a solution.

    “Ask somebody to skate with you,” he told me. It just so happened that a boy from my class was standing not far from us. He was also watching everybody else skating past us. Somehow, either by me or Dad, it was suggested that I ask him.

    I was mortified. “No!” I guffawed back to him. I couldn’t possibly do that!

    “Why not?”

    “What if he says no?”

    “So. What if does?”

    Really? What does that mean? How does that solve my problem? I thought. However, in an odd way, it made sense. I got it! It doesn’t matter if he says no because I’m no worse off.

    Lesson #2: The blows are easier to take when you have a support system. I knew Dad would be there to console me or tell me whatever  I needed to hear, or just be shoulder to cry on, if it turned out bad. And I honestly thought it would.

    What the heck. I did. I skated over to him and asked him. To my surprise, he grabbed my hand and took off skating. It took me completely by surprise. I really wasn’t expecting that. He took off so quickly that I had to catch my breath, and my footing to catch up with him. I was practically dragging behind him. But I did catch up and skated the entire song. It was my first REALLY FUN time. That’s probably why I still remember it.

    Never again did I have to sit out of any skate. When he wasn’t available, I asked somebody else, who also said yes. Next thing I knew, boys were coming up to me on the couple’s skate to ask me to skate with them. Sometimes, 5 at a time. To this day, my mom and sisters still tease me about all the boys that would “line up” to skate with me. And it was all because of lesson #3. Lesson #3: Always ask for what you want.

    To this day, I go after what I want. When I feel passionate or strongly about something, it’s a no-brainer. The only thought is after the fact because it was programmed into me to ask (to go for it). It wasn’t until my adulthood that I truly learned to appreciate this lesson. There is a lot of research about the subtle messages we get from our parents. Much of it is negative in nature. When they punish us, we sometimes get a subconscious imprint that we’re not good enough or stupid. Subconscious imprints come from all experiences, both good and bad. Today, I’m happy to share a positive one.

    I hope you enjoyed my little story. I would love to hear your comments. Maybe you’d like to share a positive lesson you got from your parents. It doesn’t have to be about dad just because it’s Father’s Day.

    Namaste!