Judy the Stepfamily Coach of Sensible Steps

Author: Judy G

  • Update for Stepfamily Coach

    Please check out my new website, judygraybill.com, for up-to-date information and tools to help you along your stepfamily journey.

    Note: I, Judy, am publishing new blog posts at judygraybill.com/blog. That’s my hub for all of my products and services going forward. This current blog/ site is merely being maintained rather than updated.

    Check out my (really) old blogs at sensiblesteps.blogspot.com.

    Early in my career, I published a small handful of articles on EzineArticles, and established my “expert” status. Here’s the link, if you’re interested: Ezine Articles/expert/Judy Graybill.

    My Resource Page, here on StepfamilyCoach.com, on the other hand, is current as of Apr 12, 2022 (the publish date of this post), as I just now updated it. I removed resources no longer available and broken links. I even added a few new ones that I think you’ll like.

  • Love, Betrayal, and Forgiveness

    The other day, I shared some thoughts on my story. This entry is similar. Instead of random thoughts, though, I’m sharing deep feelings.

    There were times that I doubted he loved me. On many occasions, I told him that no self-respecting woman would purposely put herself through what I did. I know many stepmoms can relate to that. As I said yesterday, I had specific reasons for staying. But that didn’t make the day-to-day any easier.

    I could tell he wasn’t happy. I felt that his ex was taking advantage of him, as well as others. You see, he was a ‘yes guy’. He wanted to make everybody happy. He agreed to, or just went along with, whatever. His intentions were good and that’s why it was hard to stay mad at him.  The problem was that he couldn’t make everybody happy. You know the saying, don’t you?

    You can make some of the people happy all of the time. You can make all of the people happy some of the time. But you can’t make all the people happy all the time.

    I thought he needed another person to be on his side and help him. I thought they were being selfish – that they were so stuck in their own feelings and not bothering to ask him what he wanted. On more than one occasion, I asked him what he wanted – what he REALLY wanted. Whatever it was, I was going to help him get it. I believe he loved me for that – that intention. I didn’t get an answer though. I came to realize that he didn’t know what he wanted. That’s exactly why he didn’t get it.

    People in my corner give him a bad rap because of how badly I was hurt. This is human nature – to identify with those we’re close to. Similarly, people in his corner think I’m the terrible person. I choose to see the bigger picture. I won’t let people talk bad about him in my presence.

    I know he was hurting too. Six months after we broke up, he told me he was suffering from a broken heart. The following is an e-mail I got from him about 8 months into our trial separation. We had plans to move in together again.

    When I met you I was lost. Parts of me where going left Right straight back up and down. You gave me something no other could or can. You helped me grab all the parts and focus on getting them all going in the same direction. This was not an easy job! You supported me yet made me think. You challenged me without intimidation. YOU made me feel good of myself as before that I did not want to feel at all. You had to do nothing yet did everything. Now I can’t stop feeling. Feeling for YOU. I love you with all my heart and soul. I can not do enough to thank you for your love support and guidance. I just wanted you to know. And as time goes on my love for you continues to grow stronger. I wish that there was a word stronger than the word love so I could use it in reference to how I truly feel about you.

    Have a great day and remember that even thou I am not with you physically that you are in my mind and heart all the time.

    His sincerity is one of the main reasons I fell back in love with him so many times. And when it was just the 2 of us, we had a great time. We didn’t need to go on a date night to have a good time. That’s right. We enjoyed just hanging out around the house together. Even after I made the decision to leave, a street vendor called us Honeymooners. We looked that happy together!

    The final straw behind me leaving had less to do with stepfamily dynamics and more to do with our relationship. You see, I felt betrayed by him. I felt betrayed for:

    • every lie he ever told
    • making promises that he wouldn’t (or couldn’t) keep, like legally divorcing his wife
    • everything he agreed to do or not do, and didn’t follow through on
    • believing, even for 1 minute, any lie perpetrated by others
    • not believing in my good intentions when we disagreed with how to parent

    In spite of all that, I forgave him completely, for a few other things as well. It was much easier to forgive him than many others who didn’t necessarily have good intentions, like he did. I knew he was in a difficult position – being torn between his kids and me. Torn loyalty is a common stepfamily dynamic for both kids (between their mom and stepmom) and parents (between their partner and kids). I suspect he felt like he was in a lose-lose situation. If so, what’s the point of doing anything?

    I wish he would have shared his feelings with me. But he didn’t, so this is partly a guess. It’s based on what I’ve learned about human nature, stepfamily dynamics, and other psycho-emotional subject matter. Jonathan Aslay (expert on understanding men) says that men like to make their women happy. No wonder my ex was so unhappy!

    Yes, we all know that nobody can truly make another person happy. We do, however, contribute positively or negatively toward other people’s happiness. That’s why it’s important to understand how we affect others around us. This is especially poignant in a stepfamily. This is also why it’s important to be in a supportive environment, which I wasn’t.

    I also forgave everybody else – those who told lies about me, who perpetrated the lies, eavesdropped on me, stole from me, went through all of my personal stuff looking for dirt on me. Finally, I forgave others who I thought was a true friend, but then stabbed me in the back.

    It was an arduous process to understand and forgive. “Why me?” I wondered. I didn’t think I was a ‘victim’, because I chose to stay. I wondered why it happened in the first place. I believed that what goes around, comes around. I wasn’t a saint. (Nobody is.) But, I always did my best to do right by people – everybody. Sure, I made mistakes, but who hasn’t? Why would mistakes with good intentions get these kind of results?

    I picked apart my experience with a fine-toothed comb. I wanted more than just answers. I wanted to be happy again. So, I made the decision to. In my quest, I discovered my spirituality. After 10+ years of being a true agnostic, I found my faith in God. Saying it still sounds crazy to me, but that’s what happened. The more answers I found, the more questions I had. No, I never quite figured out why it all happened to me. Instead, I found a way to accept that it happened w/o being bothered by it. I found a way to forgive. That’s how I live my life now – with peace of mind. 

    I never regretted staying as long as I did and not leaving sooner. But every day since, I thank the Universe (God) that I’m no longer there and that I have my sanity – true peace of mind. It’s the biggest blessing life has given me.

     

  • Thoughts about My Story

    Writing and telling my story has been the toughest thing I’ve had to do for (and in) my business. At least a dozen times I’ve written, rewritten, and rewritten it. I’ve been asked often. It’s hard to know where to begin. Not to mention telling it in only a few minutes when I could go on for hours. Also, I could never bring myself to share much of it. Each and every person I told could see me choking up as I relayed parts of it. I’m sure they were thinking Holy cow! Why is it so hard for her? What could have happened that is so terrible? Or maybe they just thought I’m melodramatic (lol).

    Repeatedly, Business Coaches and other advisers have told me I need to share more personal details, even the “painful” stuff. They assure me that it will help somebody somewhere. If I went through it, the chances are that somebody else did too. So that’s why I deleted My Story from my page a couple days ago. Updating it has been on my plan for this year. The time has come to do it. Version 4 (at least) will be forthcoming soon.

    Here’s why it’s been so tough (in no particular order):

    1. There’s no way to cram 4.5 years into 1 page. We had daily problems the 2.5 years we lived together. It was an active few years for sure.
    2. I don’t want to make anybody look bad. I didn’t (don’t) want to say anything that sounds bad about anybody – not my ex, his kids’ mother, his kids, or me. I don’t want to out them w/o also stating what I did wrong. At the same time, there’s no way to tell my story w/o somebody, or all of us, looking bad.
    3. I thought it made the most sense to stick with only the stepfamily issues – the common stuff that most step families face.
      1. Stepfamily dynamics are so pervasive in everything else, though, that it’s difficult to separate the two.
      2. If what happened in my stepfamily is not common, how could it help others? If it’s not going to help somebody, what’s the point of sharing all the crap that happened? I‘ve always been the type of person who puts the past behind me and looks forward.
    4. I forgot a lot! Crazy, right? ‘How can I forget?’ you ask. I guess I did that good of a job releasing it and healing from it. I remembered the essence of how I felt, the big issues, and the many lessons, but forgot much of the day to day stuff. I recently had a memory jolt so I’m going to make another attempt.
    5. Last, but not least, parts of it are simply too painful to want to share.

     

    What was so painful? That’s the next logical question. Note, I’m not saying the events were tragic, but just that they’re painful to relay. It’s painful just to say that I felt betrayed by somebody I loved so deeply. I’m not the first to feel betrayed by somebody they loved, but that doesn’t make it less painful. It’s painful to acknowledge that my ex’s daughter made it her mission (yes, her mission) to break us up. She exaggerated truths, fabricated on details, and made up stories on anything she found or heard on me. She conspired with the neighbor to eavesdrop of my conversations with others. Once, she and her mom went through my personal things trying to dig up dirt on me. I felt more violated by that one act than anything else. There were other things, too, but those are two most painful things.

    I don’t want to scare anybody entering into a stepfamily. That’s another reason I didn’t necessarily want to share all of my story. I’ve not talked to any step parent personally whose step kids tried to break them up. I have heard of other cases of it happening, but I think it’s a small percentage. Or maybe, just maybe, they are just as uncomfortable as I am to talk about it.

    Dr. Kay Pasley’s research indicates that a large number of stepfamilies deal with mental health concerns and other dysfunctions. That tells me that many of the issues I faced are not unheard of. So, I’m going to update my story and share some of the really personal details, the best I can, of which some are not necessarily considered stepfamily dynamics.

    My intention in sharing my story is to give a voice to the people in stepfamilies who are experiencing a lot of conflict and challenges – stepmoms, stepdads, stepchildren, moms, dads, siblings, and anybody else. I’m going to share lessons I learned – about stepfamily dynamics, love and loss, betrayal and forgiveness. My intention is to give hope and inspiration to anybody going through a challenging (high conflict) stepfamily experience. May you learn from my experiences and implement something new to improve your situation.

    Depending on when you read this, my story may or may not be shared on the respective web page with that title. Whether it is or isn’t, remember the following:

    • There are 2 sides to every story. This is my story the way I see it. I try to be as objective as possible. But, in the end, it’s still my version. Jeannette Lofas of The Stepfamily Foundation refers to this as “My Reality, Your Reality”.
    • It’s not the whole story. It will never be the whole story by nature of time and space. Truly, this story would make a great made-for-tv movie as it has all the elements. And it’s certainly filled with enough events, both good and bad.
    • The psychology of stepfamily dynamics underlie everything else, even if it’s not obvious.
    • My Story is NOT your story! Just because this is what happened to me doesn’t me it will happen to you. It DOES mean that you, too, can get past this challenging time, if you’re going through one. If I changed the story, so can you.
    •  20% of stepchildren feel close to their stepmother. Some may be discouraged by this %, but it’s encouraging for me. With the many new resources that are emerging regularly, along with the growing awareness, I anticipate this % increasing significantly over the next decade and beyond. (I for one would welcome being a stepmom again because I don’t for a second think that THIS story will happen to me again.)


    If you’re interested in learning more of my story, you can read bits and pieces of it from various blog entries here and on my previous blog, which you can access by clicking here.

     

  • Could You Turn Into a Wicked StepMother?

    If you had asked me this when I moved in with my boyfriend (now ex) who had children, I would’ve laughed. It would’ve seemed like a joke – a play on the many fairy tales we all heard as children. Of course, I never expected for it to be a smooth ride. My parents divorced when I was young, so I had no illusions. Yet, I still didn’t have a clue. Most step moms don’t (step dads too).

    I could probably write a book titled My Road to Becoming a Wicked StepMother. It would be easier than trying to explain in 1 blog entry how it happened. Yes, that’s right. I was a Wicked StepMother (tongue-in-cheek). I hear the shock and awe coming from those who know me (my friends, family, past clients, colleagues, etc). They can’t possibly believe that I’m really wicked, or that anybody would really believe that. The students I tutored would be surprised as well. I get a long with everybody… well, almost everybody.

    Interestingly, I just came by this realization yesterday. As many problems as I had as an acting stepmom (we were never married), I didn’t think of myself in that way. I didn’t even think they thought of me that way… until my ex’s daughter posted comments about me on my FB Fan page a few days ago. They were lies, but that’s not the point. In her mind, I was the worst thing for her dad. So much so that she made it her mission to try and break us up. That’s why she started the lies in the first place. That was many years ago, so I was surprised that she’s still holding on to her anger toward me.

    Did she always feel that way? No. I’m sure she didn’t feel that way when she declared that I would be the only one allowed to teach her to drive a car. That was after both of her parents had given up. I’m sure she didn’t feel that way when I helped her with all the admission paperwork to get into college. I even drove her around to pick up and drop off her transcripts and get her ID picture taken. I’m sure she didn’t feel that way when I helped her and her sister with their financial aid paperwork, or when I gave her sister $250 for prom when nobody else had any to give her. These are only the highlights. There were other things.

    So what happened? What changed? It’s hard to point out one thing because everything that happened played into everything else. Every one thing affected at least 2 other things. For one, her dad and I argued a lot. We were brought up differently and had different perspectives on many things, but especially parenting. Additionally, he parented like a Holiday parent. We also argued about money and how to handle just about any problem that came up. I mention a few of them in other entries. We broke up and got back together multiple times. We were never able to resolve the conflict, so the tension mounted and mounted. By the end, it was constant. Somewhere in that mess was a changing point in his daughter.

    I don’t claim to be perfect. I never have. I definitely made mistakes. I made mistakes mostly out of good intentions. I made the wrong decision on at least 1 occasion. On all occasions, I needed objective and knowledgeable guidance from somebody who understood stepfamily dynamics and could see the bigger picture, and then give clear direction. I didn’t have that. My boyfriend needed the same thing. You do, too, if you’re in a high-conflict step family.Otherwise, you may find yourself to be perceived as a wicked stepmother someday.

    It’s important to note that your husband plays a big role in how his children perceive you. I talk a lot about this. In my case, my boyfriend didn’t perceive my parenting skills to be very good. By continually undermining me in front of them, not keeping rules after making them, and staying silent when they expressed their discontent, he gave the impression that he was displeased with me. That gave them more reason to continue misbehaving, and then using me as a scapegoat.

    As sad as it is that she feels that way about me, I can’t bring myself to hold it against her. Don’t get me wrong; it bothers me. It hurts my feelings, but I’m not angry at her. Here’s the deal. I hated my dad’s girlfriend. For a very long time, I hated her. In my mind, everything that happened was her fault, even though I know my dad was no angel. Only after my experience as an acting step mom did I re-evaluate my feelings toward her. Stay tuned for my next article on why my step children hates me.

    Adults do not discuss adult business with their children. Sure, some do. But mostly they don’t, especially the really private stuff. My ex’s daughter doesn’t know everything that transpired between her dad and I. Even if she did, she wouldn’t be able to objectively acknowledge her dad’s mistakes, just as I didn’t know my dad’s mistakes.

    If you’re interested in more topics like this, click the links below to read a blog entry from my other blog (not imported to here) and an article I wrote on Examiner. Clicking on them will open a new window.

    One Thanksgiving in a High-Conflict Step family

    Transform from Evil Step Mom into a Positive Role Model

    Why do my step kids hate me?

    Maybe you can relate to part of this story.

    How did you feel about people your parents dated after they divorced?

    Were you able to be objective?

    Have you ever disliked somebody intensely, and then a long time later realize there was no rational basis for your feelings?

    Is there a lot of conflict between you and your partner? Do you disagree on parenting issues?

    Do you think you could become a wicked stepmother?

    Do you know of somebody who has a wicked stepmother? Did you have an evil stepmother?

  • Practical Strategies for Dealing with the Kids’ Mom

    Below is the original post on my 1st blog site, which was published in Nov 2010. I’m re-posting it here, with a few edits in order to improve the flow and readability of it. One big difference is that I replaced “biomom” and “BM” to either “mom” or “the kids’ mom”.

    It had a lot of views and purportedly helped some stepmoms. How many? I don’t know, but even helping one makes it worth publishing again. All of the tips are the same, so none of it’s essence has been changed.

    These strategies helped me immensely. I put it in outline format in order to make it easier and quicker to read. It is in response to the plethora of outcry I hear from StepMoms about a BM who is tough to deal with.

    1) Distinguish what you can and can’t control.  This is where your power is. You can’t control what other people say or do. You can’t even predict it. But, in every situation, YOU have a choice in how you react. Do determine how to proceed, ask yourself the following questions:

    • Can I control any part of this?
    • What is my part? (i.e. How am I contributing to this?
    • What other options do I have, that are in my control?
    • What can I do differently?
    • Will my partner help me with this?  (This is your other source of power that can make a big difference.)

    2) Change the story. It takes time and effort to alter our emotional reaction, but it’s worth it! Once we change how we think about something, our behavior towards it changes. The people around us will likely change as they will react differently.

    Monitor your thoughts. Replace negative thoughts with neutral thoughts. Every time you get upset while thinking of something the kids’ mom said or did, stop and tell yourself the following:

    • She can’t help how she feels and may not be conscious of this obsessive behavior.
    • I feel sorry for her that she cannot get past the divorce/separation and move on.
    • I’m glad I’m not that insecure.
    • How sad that she is not at inner peace and chooses to be spiteful! I choose to not react in kind. I will not bring myself down to that level of behavior.
    • I don’t want to give her power over me. I can get past this regardless of what she does.

    3) Release and let go. Your feelings are valid. You may want to hold onto your anger or pain because she truly has mal-intentions. However, YOUR INNER PEACE should be your TOP PRIORITY! Anger or resentment stands in your way of inner peace and your ability to be the best YOU, because you can’t give your all.

    Vent if you need to. Preferably, choose somebody who understands and has been in a similar situation, but who won’t fuel your anger.

    Develop strategies to relax, such as:

    • Hot bath
    • Yoga, kick boxing, running, or other physical fitness
    • Any hobby or pastime – something that reminds you of who you are so you won’t lose a sense of yourself while wearing the different hats (Mom, StepMom, Wife/SO, career woman, etc)

    4) Become numb and unemotional when defending accusations and lies from the kids’ mom. Defend yourself calmly, whether to your step kids or your partner.

    No long explanation is required. You shouldn’t have to feel the “need to defend” yourself, especially to the step kids. They don’t need to know adult business. Leave it to your partner to defend you more if necessary. If your partner is concerned about what was said or believes any portion of it, you’re probably experiencing other problems in your relationship.

    The following are a few examples of replies that are short, to the point, and can easily exclude emotion (depending on your tone of voice and delivery).

    1. “I didn’t say that. That is inaccurate.”
    2. “She is obviously confused or she misunderstood.” 
        • Even if you know her intentions are malicious and fallacious, give her the benefit of the doubt, especially to the children.
        • You may feel that this is a lie, but it’s probably accurate. So, you shouldn’t feel guilty as it will have neutral to positive repercussions.
    3. “She is entitled to her opinion. It’s up to you to make up your own mind and form your own opinion.”

     

    • This will work in your favor, especially if DH has a similar conversation with the kids and defends you.
    • Get used to others, including the kids, forming their own opinions. They will whether you say it out loud or not.

    The less emotions you show about BM, the bigger the reward. Eventually the kids will figure out the truth. That may be a sad day for their mom. They will probably forgive her, though, because she is their mom. The biological bond is that strong. In the meantime, you keep your sanity, are more productive, and can give 110% again when wearing the different hats.

     

  • Why are my stepkids misbehaving?

    There are many possible reasons children misbehave. This entry will look at one in particular.

    Plain and simple, they may be angry at life because their family divorced. They may not even be aware of it. Most kids have not developed emotionally enough to know what they’re feeling inside. Maybe they know what they’re feeling, but don’t know why.

    Symptoms include behavior problems, anger issues, excessive fighting, lower grades, and difficulty forming healthy relationships. By the latter, I mean friends at school. Excessive shyness or being introverted, especially if not characteristic of the child, would also make it difficult to make new friends.

    These are signs of incomplete grief. Grieving doesn’t just occur when a parent dies. All divorcees, even children whose family gets a divorce, mourn the loss of their family. Everything changes. Nothing is the way they knew it to be – the way they were comfortable with it.

    I was an angry child after my parents divorce.

    I experienced this first-hand after my parents divorced. In the years following, I was a very angry child. Ironically, I didn’t know I was. I had no idea why I had an urge to fight with my sisters all the time. I just did. By fight, I don’t just mean argue. We were rolling around the floor, pulling hair, kicking, and what-have-you. My mom bought me books I never read and made me see the child counselor at school, which didn’t help. Sure, eventually I got over it. But remained was my resentment that she didn’t understand me. I resented being singled out as the one with the problems. As I matured, I stopped picking fights and arguing. It wasn’t until my formal education that I finally understood what was really going on with me. Only then did I work through my personal issues.

    Now, I realize I was angry about the loss of life as I knew it. I was angry that I had to change schools. I didn’t make new friends right away. I just didn’t feel like getting to know anybody new. I missed my friends.

    More than anything, though, I wish my mom (and dad for that matter) understood the stages of grieving. I wish they knew how to support me through what I was going through instead of making me like there was something wrong with me.

    I tell you this story because you can probably relate in some way. Whether you went through a divorce as a child or are a parent watching your children experience divorce.

    There are different ways of modifying children’s behavior. Many can be effective. By no means am I suggesting you allow your kids or stepkids to misbehave without correction. If they are acting the wrong way, they need to be held accountable in some way. They need to learn the right way to act, but they also need to understand their emotions. You, as a parent or step parent, can help them manage their emotions.

    Understanding the process of grieving is a big first step. Read up on it. At its core essence, coping with death is the same as coping with a new life after divorce. Remember that when choosing information to read. My favorite author on grieving is Elizabether Kubler-Ross. My favorite author on dealing with loss in a stepfamily is Gloria Lintermans.

    The Secrets of Stepfamily Success, by Gloria Lintermans, discusses the full process of grief in both adults and children. She explains the need to grieve both tangible and intangible losses, gives examples, and lists signs of incomplete grief. I highly recommend reading her book, especially if you are a separated or divorced parent and are considering forming a relationship with a new partner.

    So if your stepkids seem to be particularly angry, it’s very possible that you (together with your partner of course) can help them and manage their misbehavior just by helping them transition through the stages of grieving. That will allow them to accept their new circumstances and all the wonderful possibilities their future can hold. You may even be surprised by their new confidence, friends, and higher grades at school.

    Happy reading!

    Good luck!

    Remember, if you have to discipline your kids (or stepkids) when you suspect they’re experiencing incomplete grieving, be sure to also let them know they’re normal and it doesn’t make them bad. Let them know how you’ve had to adjust too. That could help a great deal.

  • One Reason for a Failed Relationship

    Lack of closure from the last relationship, AKA, incomplete grief, is one reason that relationships, particularly step couple relationships, don’t last.

    What is closure? It is emotional acceptance of being single again. True closure typically doesn’t include bitterness or resentment toward your ex. It’s over and you’re ok with it. You’re not longing to still be with him. You’re not repeatedly asking yourself why. Why did he do that? Why didn’t I say this? Why did it happen? etc.

    Everybody needs to adjust to the “new normal” after losing a loved one. This is true whether you are widowed or divorced. The loss creates a hole which propels people to fill. Completing the grieving process fills the hole with acceptance, forgiveness, encouragement, confidence, and happiness. Sometimes, it also teaches a lesson. Otherwise, you’ll fill it in other ways, like addictions or other self-destructive behaviors that hinder or prevent healing.

    Perhaps you gained closure from your past relationship, but your current partner hasn’t.

    Unsurprisingly, the grief feels more harsh to kids; yet, it afflicts adults in profound ways as well. If you don’t allow yourself or your children to grieve at all or enough, it can have a detrimental effect on subsequent relationships. That includes the new partner you form a blended family with. You need to know the stages of grief and how to recognize them. You also need to allow yourself time to go through them. Acceptance is the final stage.

    Sudden and unexpected separation causes the most grief. This is why grief is most harsh to children. Even when adults see or experience warning signs of pending separation, or slowly fall out of love with their spouse, the kids feel blindsided because they didn’t see it coming. It takes time to come to terms with change. Grieving can only start after they become aware of the loss. Ideally, this should be before they are uprooted from their home, school, and friends.

    This is not always practical. When this doesn’t (can’t) happen, parents should be keenly tuned to how the children adjust. Children learn from their parents directly through their words and indirectly by modeling their actions. Parents, if you overlook the grieving process in you, you’re likely also missing the signs of incomplete grief in your children. So, not only are you not dealing with your emotions in a healthy manner, but your kids aren’t learning to either.

    If that’s the case, you’re feeling a disconnect emotionally. Internally, you want things to be the way they were, while outwardly expressing acceptance and excitement over your new love. At the same time, you’re placing unrealistic expectations on the new relationship and partner. He probably won’t measure up to your standards.

    Your partner may be doing the same thing. Remember, like attracts like. We attract people to us who help us to learn the life lessons we need to learn. In other words, our partner often reflects are biggest personal challenges in some way.

    It may be difficult for you to truly accept your partner. Do you wish he’d only do such and such, or would only be like that? A few thoughts are common. But if you obsess over wanting him to be different, especially if it’s to be more like your ex, you may not have gained closure from your ex.

    Your children, who are also struggling to adapt, may start to act up, disobey rules, show anger or depression, or get in trouble at school. These issues will add stress to your current relationship. If you don’t agree with how to handle the issues, it will lead to arguments and increased tension. The tension will grow regularly.

    Another sign you haven’t gained closure is if you still feel bitter or resentful from what your ex did to you. Are you worried that your current partner is doing the same thing, or will do the same thing? Worse yet, are you still arguing with your ex? If you have kids with him, there’s the potential to put your children in the middle of your arguments even if it’s not your intention. If your partner is constantly arguing with an ex he has children with, that’s a sign he hasn’t gained closure from that relationship.

    Unresolved issues are a manifestation of not getting over your ex. They typically lead to issues in subsequent relationships.

    If you’re having relationship problems, consider doing some research and reading on the stages of grieving and gaining closure from relationships. Even if you weren’t married, books and articles on post divorce could help you as well.

     

     

  • Life Lesson in 1st Grade by my Dad

    Today, I’m going to share a story from my past that has a valuable lesson attached. At the time of the story, and for years afterward, I had no idea of the impact it would have. In fact, it was only in the last several years, as I took a personal inventory to learn more about myself, did I recall this story. Although it was in my archives, and a little dusty, I remember it well.

    Honoring Dad

    First, I want to say a few words about my dad. Dad didn’t have the kind of life most people would envy. In his lifetime, he shared many stories. He was a wonderful story-teller (unlike me). He was always very animated and enthralled. He really engaged his listeners, and almost always got them to laugh. The other side of his life, though, was infused with heartache and failure. He had 2 failed marriages and a disgraceful end of a 3rd long-term relationship. However, he was a smart and successful businessman. At the top of his game, he owned 2 thriving motels. Later, after my parents divorced, he co-owned a successful bar/niteclub. Unfortunate circumstances caused him to lose all of it. Even more unfortunately, he never recovered any of it at the time he passed away. So, he’s not what most people would call a success story. I won’t go into any specifics here, because that’s not my intention today.

    My intention in telling you that is so that you can appreciate the following story in a different way. You see, even though his life didn’t end as a success by conventional means, he taught me more than I am able to express. I’m still learning from his life, both his successes and his failures, 17 years after he died. The story below is one of the lessons I cherish most because it paved the way for many of my successes.

    Dad’s Loving and Helpful Hand

    1978. St. Clairsville, Oh. Friday night. The school transformed the gym into a roller-skating rink and Dad took my older sisters and I. We got there and rented skates, but there’s only 1 problem. I didn’t know how to roller skate because I’ve never done it before. No, actually it’s not a problem because Dad helped me. He held my hand so I wouldn’t fall and walked around the rink with me. We were going at a snail’s pace, mind you, but that never bothered Dad. He was just happy to spend time with  his princess and help her. Actually, he probably just felt he was doing his job. He loved being a father. He would do anything for us.

    Gradually, I got faster, and faster, and faster. Before long, I was skating faster than Dad could walk. So, off I went by myself. Lesson #1: A helping hand helps us thrive faster than we would on our own. Let’s face it. If Dad hadn’t of held my hand and walked around with me, I may have been able to still get the hang of it. But, it would’ve taken a lot longer to balance and become skilled. And I would’ve fallen a lot! (Ouch)

    Now I was loving life. All I wanted to do was skate. EVERY song that was played. Then came another problem: couple’s skate. What? I wasn’t a couple. I didn’t have somebody to skate with. But, Dad had a solution.

    “Ask somebody to skate with you,” he told me. It just so happened that a boy from my class was standing not far from us. He was also watching everybody else skating past us. Somehow, either by me or Dad, it was suggested that I ask him.

    I was mortified. “No!” I guffawed back to him. I couldn’t possibly do that!

    “Why not?”

    “What if he says no?”

    “So. What if does?”

    Really? What does that mean? How does that solve my problem? I thought. However, in an odd way, it made sense. I got it! It doesn’t matter if he says no because I’m no worse off.

    Lesson #2: The blows are easier to take when you have a support system. I knew Dad would be there to console me or tell me whatever  I needed to hear, or just be shoulder to cry on, if it turned out bad. And I honestly thought it would.

    What the heck. I did. I skated over to him and asked him. To my surprise, he grabbed my hand and took off skating. It took me completely by surprise. I really wasn’t expecting that. He took off so quickly that I had to catch my breath, and my footing to catch up with him. I was practically dragging behind him. But I did catch up and skated the entire song. It was my first REALLY FUN time. That’s probably why I still remember it.

    Never again did I have to sit out of any skate. When he wasn’t available, I asked somebody else, who also said yes. Next thing I knew, boys were coming up to me on the couple’s skate to ask me to skate with them. Sometimes, 5 at a time. To this day, my mom and sisters still tease me about all the boys that would “line up” to skate with me. And it was all because of lesson #3. Lesson #3: Always ask for what you want.

    To this day, I go after what I want. When I feel passionate or strongly about something, it’s a no-brainer. The only thought is after the fact because it was programmed into me to ask (to go for it). It wasn’t until my adulthood that I truly learned to appreciate this lesson. There is a lot of research about the subtle messages we get from our parents. Much of it is negative in nature. When they punish us, we sometimes get a subconscious imprint that we’re not good enough or stupid. Subconscious imprints come from all experiences, both good and bad. Today, I’m happy to share a positive one.

    I hope you enjoyed my little story. I would love to hear your comments. Maybe you’d like to share a positive lesson you got from your parents. It doesn’t have to be about dad just because it’s Father’s Day.

    Namaste!