What if You and Your Spouse don’t Agree?

I talk a lot about you and your spouse working together as a TEAM. Indeed, it’s the quickest and easiest path to reducing tension and creating harmony at home. Unfortunately, being a team is not always possible, especially when you and your partner don’t agree about what, who, and how needs to change.

When that’s the case, It’s vitally important to your own emotional wholeness – peace of mind, serenity – to find a way to create harmony personally within you. This is an extension of what I suggested to do in a couple of my previous posts, Are You Setting Yourself Up for Success and The  3 Questions You Must Ask to Jumpstart Transforming Your Marriage. In both posts, I allude to the importance of honoring yourself first, irregardless of what’s happening around you.


Don’t wait for him/her to get on board. Don’t leave your happiness up in the air based on what’s going on around you. You have 100% control of your emotional well-being, including your happiness, joy, and ability to rejuvenate.

DECIDE THAT YOU’LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BE HAPPY. You deserve it, and you know it. Don’t settle for less. It CAN BE DONE without your partner’s help, because this comes from within you.

You’ll still have to deal with all the crap around you, and to figure out what you can do to infuse harmony into the home environment. But, you’ll do it by putting yourself first. By doing that, you get to:

  • Keep your sanity. Yeah!!
  • Stay calm, cool, and collected when dealing with a mess (or drama).
  • Make decisions based on logic and being informed, instead of reacting out of fear or resentment.


Here are a few things you have 100% control over that you can do without your husband’s support:

  1. GET EDUCATED about stepfamily dynamics and healthy relationships.There are many books and blogs, as well as radio shows. My top pick is The StepMom Magazine. If you want another resource, just reach out and ask me.
  2. CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL and stop wasting time trying to change things you can’t. You know you can’t control what another person says or does, but you can control:
    1. Your stinkin’ thinkin’: Don’t waste time thinking ill of them or plotting your next move. Wishing you would’ve done this or that doesn’t help either, unless you’re trying to improve future interactions.
    2. Your contribution: STOP ARGUING about issues that haven’t been resolved in years. If you’ve already argued a few dozen times w/o resolution, you’re still not going to get a resolution.
    3. Your flexibility and attitude: Be willing to drastically change things up. STOP what you’re currently doing and BE OPEN to anything new.
  3. MODEL HOW YOU WANT TO BE, whether in parenting or interpersonally with your partner. Believe it or not, this is a biggie.
    1. Your partner is constantly reacting to you, even if you think he’s initiating the button-pushing. He’s reacting to what he believes you’re going to say based on past conversations. He senses it from:
      1. the tone of your voice,
      2. the look on your face, or
      3. the situational context.
    2. If you drastically change, he won’t see it coming and won’t know how to respond. Initially, you may get the same response from him; but, keep it up for at least 30 days, and you’ll notice your partner to start “miraculously” react differently toward you – more positively.
    3. ACT AS IF your VISION of a HARMONIOUS FAMILY ALREADY HAPPENED. By showing up differently, everyone around you reacts differently to you. That’s how you change your environment.


Remember, If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

There’s no doubt that a supportive husband would make every stepmom’s life so much easier (first wives, too!). But, there are many stepcouples who aren’t working as a team and start feeling somewhat hopeless about their situation, thinking it may never turn around. THIS entry is dedicated to YOU!

If you fully commit to your personal happiness and wholeness first and foremost, and optimize your energy by only doing things you can control, you will be amazed at how empowered you’ll feel, which will bring you immense pleasure.


Many blessings,


P.S. I would love to hear your story of how well you and your husband do or do not work together as a team. Either side of the coin can help others. So, please comment below if anything I’ve said above resonates with you. If you don’t work as a team, how has that made you feel, and how might you be able to use the suggestions above to feel more empowered? If you already work as a team, has it always been that way? Share a time when you disagreed and what you did about it. How did you come to an agreement?

About Judy G

Judy helps step parents to feel like an intricate member of their stepfamily so they can have more relaxation time and a deeper connection to their partner and step children. After her personal experience as a childless stepmom ended in separation, she became a Certified Stepfamily Coach so she could help others who are in love stay together. Judy's clients praise her for impartiality, being a good listener, and helping them achieve peace of mind. Check out her articles and interviews across the web.


What if You and Your Spouse don’t Agree? — 2 Comments

  1. Thank you, Sigal, for sharing your experience. I know many people can relate to what you said, as different cultural backgrounds is fairly common these days.

    I appreciate your desire to work on that, and love your positive attitude about this difference between you and your husband being an “opportunity”. Also, connecting this with his career is very astute of you.

    As you’re working on it, please remember to be gentle with yourself. 🙂

    In harmony and balance,

  2. It is so true, that tone of voice. My husband and I come from very different cultures. The tone of voice is a big one in our home.I’m talking the way my family speaks and he is reacting to my tone. I have been working to change that in me. Now more than ever, as my tone brings to disharmony. It’s not easy, yet I believe that one of the reasons he came to my life so I have the opportunity to change my tone and find better pitches.

    My husband is a composer, his world is MUSIC, so this is super-sensitive – tones. Ha ha.. I’m glad I stopped by, I needed to hear it from you too.

    Working on it…

    Thanks Judy.

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