About Me

My Professional Story

As long as I can remember, I knew I would grow up to help people. In high school, I developed an interest in Criminology. Specifically, I wanted to study and help juvenile delinquents and youth who were at risk for long-term criminal behavior. If I could find out what caused them to turn into hardened criminals, I could put in place programs to prevent it. So I pursued Psychology and Sociology as an undergraduate.

Sociology gave me a foundation in research, and taught me how to understand people within groups as they relate to the world around them. I studied family dynamics like marriage and relationships, divorce, religion, and the modern family; communication and conflict; modern social problems , inequality, and delinquency. I discovered the scientific necessity of having a working theory until it’s dis-proven, as opposed to proving a theory (which is never done scientifically). I was naturally skilled in analyzing, but most importantly, learned how to analyze any social topic from both a bird’s-eye view and a worm’s-eye view.

In graduate school, I pursued a degree in Applied Sociology because I wanted to use the social research for real-world situations. That’s where I honed my skill in interviewing. This was my favorite part of graduate school – qualitative research: talking to people personally about their experiences, comparing and contrasting the commonalities, and writing a paper on the analysis.

Now, I use all of that education. But, instead of using it to curb juvenile delinquency directly, I use it with all family members to build and strengthen the health of the family, from the inside out. My personal story fueled my passion to hone in specifically on stepfamilies.

My Personal Story

I was born into both a first family and stepfamily. I lived with my biological parents until they divorced when I was about 8. My dad was Mom’s 2^nd husband and didn’t know how to be a good StepDad to Mom’s 4 children from her 1^st marriage. I grew up hearing stories about the arguments and stress. Because of that, after my parents divorced, Mom swore she’d never marry again while her kids still lived with her. Dad’s girlfriend and son moved in with him almost immediately after the divorce. Neither Mom nor I liked her, as she represented the reason my parents – my family – split up. She was the “other woman” before they separated. To this day, Mom’s affectionate name for her is “Simple Thing”. That’s what Mom considers the ultimate insult because she doesn’t like to cuss, call people names, or talk bad about anyone. My mom dated, too, but my feelings for him were neutral.

Fast forward a couple decades. I fell in love with a man who had 3 children and a grandchild. His kids liked me and we all got along well until we rented a house and moved in together a year later. Knowing what it was like as a child for my family to divorce and my parents to date other people, I was cognizant of what his children were possibly thinking and feeling. I had no expectations of becoming like a first family. I knew it would take time and effort for all of us to be completely comfortable as a new family. Yet, I was still unprepared for daily life in a stepfamily. Unbeknownst to me, they were dysfunctional before I came on the scene. Add stepfamily dynamics without knowledge or understanding of its uniqueness, the environment was emotionally unhealthy for all of us.

I was naive in that I expected and wanted to be friends with the children’s mom, because being friends with an ex’s ex was normal in my world. Mom was friends with her first husband and his wife. They all attended many family gatherings & holidays without tension. Also, I was friends with ex-girlfriends of guys I dated. I was surprised when this wasn’t the case with my boyfriend’s ex. Her reaction to me and my involvement with her kids baffled me. On many occasions, her words and behavior outright ticked me off. However, there was never any public displays of heated words or emotional outbursts between us. I always did my best to do right by her around the kids and treat her with respect, although it wasn’t easy. On 2 occasions, she kissed me on the cheek.

I left my stepfamily after 2 ½ years of living with my boyfriend and his son. I finally realized that my boyfriend was unable, psychologically, to change like I needed. Nor was he willing. I always felt like an outsider in “his family”. More than that, we weren’t a team. My input on rules for the kids and guidelines for managing the household was never considered, in spite of him repeatedly telling me otherwise. A counselor was our last-ditch effort to make it work. I still wonder if the end of the story would be different if our counselor had intimate understanding and knowledge of stepfamily dynamics. I’ll never know.

In the final months of my time with them, I found The Stepfamily Foundation and indulged in reading any information I could find on stepfamilies. Seven months later, in April 2007, The Stepfamily Foundation certified me as a Stepfamily Coach. I’ve since talked to hundreds of people about their stepfamily experience. In June 2008, I started Sensible Steps, LLC.

 

Feel free to share your stepfamily story with me and my readers. Each of us have a story that made a lasting impression or was a learning experience, or is simply interesting to share.

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